It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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