Got a toothbrush?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
