I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
