i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
