Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
