im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
