Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Even my vagina gasped.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
