I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
