dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I could make wine with my vomit
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
