sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
