A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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