My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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