I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
