Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize