We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
