I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
