Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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