Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
