laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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