I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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