I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
cat food counts as protein by the way
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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