I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
