So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
