Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
