When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
