Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
