apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You smell like stripper and shame
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize