I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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