This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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