I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
