You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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