i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
