when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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