you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
These tits shall not be calmed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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