She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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