No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
