I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize