don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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