Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
