well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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