clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize