Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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