I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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