the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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