why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
