im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm bleeding and have questions
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
