guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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