i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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