at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize