Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
