We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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