Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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