apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
