ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
